I've moved out of Hercules condo. He gave me a month was notice and last Sunday was the last day. He was nice enough to help me look for a new place (i put down a deposit and we cleaned out a bedroom then the landlord backed out the next day), help me move my stuff (fifteen boxes, stored in a friends closet) and give me a unused phone of his since mine has suddenly died. I owe him about $100 which will be paid probably two pay cycles from now. He owes me... what?

Hercules accused me of still resenting him for giving my job to his dance partner last year. The destruction of my income last year rendered me unable to pay rent, plunging me into deep despair and consideration of suicide. When I could find temp work I gave him all of the money I made- and for food rummaged through dumpsters.

Hercules seems to have resented my presence at our work place and he seems unable to forgive me for whatever I may have done- he definitely does not want me returning under any condition whatsoever regardless of what the CEO and whliat he told me last year about returning. Hercules is big on what I owe him. He likes to badmouth me to our former bosses, then complain when I tell people what he did and how it destroyed my income. I notice him and a handful of other people at church seem to hold resentments and unforgiveness against me for very long periods of time over trivial offense that exist in their own minds. Of course them knocking a christian brother down to the point where he has to rummage through garbage for food is nothing to them.

Babayaga, my former church home group leader who kicked me out last year still doesn't want me in her group. She's a great example of holding bitterness and resentment and judgment against me. I put so much of my life into that group, pouring prayer into other people even when my needs were greater... for her to turn against me last year (and accept Hercules) when I lost my job. At this very moment she doesn't want me coming back.

They are a bad example of christian life. They are also popular. All my guy friends from that group have turned against me and rejected me. When your down... they kick you around. Now I know more about their character and I just sigh and think of what to do next. Of who to meet next- of friends who are real friends and are not just weak willed christian males underneath Babayaga's hateful thumb.

I'm living closer to the amusement park where I live. Hopefully since I can walk or bicycle to work I can get to work earlier and work more hours and earn enough pay to purchase a car. With a car I then have a better probability of finding work in a broader radius and surviving. Inuyasha gave me two hours of driving lessons yesterday which was very cool of him. We cruised around in his manual car and had lots of fun. He's a good teacher.

Work today was easier then usual. I worked mostly indoors except for a halfhour of  lifting around boxes filled with plastic containers holding a total of four gallons of fluid. My back is aching.

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Season of Good News

I made $100 over two days by cleaning and organizing a basement of a friend who lives about forty minutes away. Clockwork Soldier did the job with me and got me the ride there after Friar Tuck bailed out from fear.

That money helped me to be lunch with Ms. Moses. It was delicious, mexican, and we made cute small talk. She kept her feet from bumping into mine. The lack of body contact is a indication that I should date other women regardless of her intention to date me. Also later I bought her snack bars for her upcoming missionary trip.

I purchased a laptop from ebay using the money I've made in the last month doing internet work. The seller gave me a free upgrade because the item I purchased was dead before he shipped it. I now type this update from my HP shiny black laptop! Yay!

I also went dancing in the streets a few days ago at a live band. Several women joined me. Yay! I feel good all over even though the pain in my chest increased the moment I stepped on the streets to do homeless ministry today. It was alright. However one of the homeless men came over to thank me especially for doing the work that I do. That touched me. Later today I got a ride to spend several hours with some of my friends with one of our friends that is in a coma.

Then I got a ride home. The pain is in my chest as I type this but right now I'm downloading all seasons of Veronica Mars and finally happy I'm so close to my three-year goal of getting those Veronica Mars fanvideos done that I've put on hold for... three years...

Learning the dance moves. Feeling unsure. My confidence slowly growing as my feet glide across the dance floor. I'm wearing the non-slip shoes that I wore for my long shift on my feet that day at work. And now I'm inviting to dance with me a number of women that I have never danced with before. My hand gently holding their left shoulder blade. My left hand guiding them into the next movement. Some women focus on the dance moves they have been taught instead of how I am leading them with my hand. Others relax into my leadership and let me pull them into spontaneous variations that leave us both laughing. Others still are so experienced that they follow me so well- in fact they follow me even better then my leading is. And yet they never seem to pull against me- but only join the flow. It was wonderful dancing. I paid for me and my ride's ticket in. I had found out about it thanks to a friend at church.

(no subject)
Fixed a neighbors computer. Ate lunch. Read reddit.com.Stayed at home (!).  Waited for ride to work. Felt angina pain in left side of chest. Chatted with local women on OkCupid (kept striking out, except for one). I made a date last night with a woman over OkCupid for next Tuesday.

I regret not having had more memorable experiences in my life. I regret not going to college and having a good reason for an employer to pay me well. I regret not having a career worth mentioning. I regret many things. I regret the way I look when I look into the mirror. I regret having to eat out of a dumpster. I regret never having been kissed. I regret having to rely on other people just to get a ride somewhere to have a social life. I regret my christianity and my faith and my God. I can go on living and I can go on faking being happy but just because I'm faking it doesn't mean I want it to continue that much.

Sexuality Anxiety
I think too much about my sexuality. Whenever I read sex advice columns online it's only a matter of time before I give into watching recordings of strangers having sex and giving myself an orgasm. It happened this week, and last week. When I was younger I would put so much effort and anxiety into self control. Effort I should have been putting into other areas of my life like studying, getting a car, going to college.

Now I just don't care. I love the sensation of happiness and security and stability that comes with sexual fulfillment. I feel invulnerable, confident, safe. Admittedly I derive very little satisfaction from watching other people have sex. It's not as erotic I thought it would be before I started seeing more of it. However I'm progressing more. When I see the difference between loving and passion and foreplay with the kinks I've accumulated in my dented virginity I realize that the kinks should be thrown out as it is quite obviously not as enjoyable as giving vanilla touch and attention to someone you love and receiving back in return.

This is a conversation I had with God recently:

Me: God, you know I'm like, 31. I'd love a marriage that's whole and complete. I'd like to wait for my wife if she's waiting for me, but if not I'd like to have experiences with girlfriends. Amazing ones. Different ones.

God: Well, you know that whole thing about watching pornography and masturbating. I don't like it. I know you don't care about that but think of this- the kind of woman you are praying to meet would be repelled by that sort of behavior.

Me: Well, I would love to have the sexual fulfillment thanks to the sex drive you've given me.

God: Well...

Me: And I'm 31. And I've met people even younger then me who can't wait.

God: Well, I did have a hand in many people meeting at that age.

Me: And I didn't meet anyone, and I didn't go anywhere in life that I should have looking back.

God: I want you to know that if I send the woman into your life right now that you would be open to loving as a girlfriend now and a wife later, that if you keep engaging in pornography and masturbation she's going to be pissed off by it and the relationship could fail.

Me: Well I would prefer to meet someone who has also waited like me...

God: Are you sure you wouldn't much more prefer someone who was sexually adventurish? You could have a lot of fun with a woman who was comfortable with her own sexuality even if she did compare you with her other lovers.

Me: I mean, if I have a girlfriend and it leads towards sex.. there doesn't seem to be much reason for me to wait for sex anymore.

God: I'm sure you believe in what your saying. Of course I have my own reasons for everything. And you might notice that I'm going to only allow you to connect with overweight women that might not be up to being a activity partner with you- not to mention sex.

Me: Well, if sex happens...

God: I may love you, but I know how judgmental you are about other peoples weight. How about this: I'll allow you now to know how to make women comfortable around you in a way that will lead you towards dating. I'll inspire you how to flirt. And if things happen, they happen.

Me: Well, I'd so much rather meet someone more athletic and outgoing so we could go mountain biking and dancing.

God: And have sex.

Me: Well yeah.

God: Now you can see why I'm not interested in allowing you to connect romantically with anyone like that.

Me: I'll just have to exercise and build myself up so I can potentially have a relationship with more athletic women.

God: You do that. Haha.

God: Are you sure marrying someone who has had more sexual partners would be that huge of a stumbling block for you? You've read smut since 16, role played erotic material since 23, and have seen pornography rarely since 25. Admittedly you took several years off from time to time but the reality is that you've committed fornication with your mind. I'm really not sure how much you would mess up one of my girls if I sent them to you. How about a nice sexy gal, totally your type, slightly overweight like you, and has had some sexual experiences albeit with other people.

Me: Well, I can't imagine marrying anyone who has had significantly more sex partners then me. Maybe dating them but.... marrying someone who had had more partners then me sounds like it could be frustrating and ultimately a regret.

God: You mean even 1 to your 0?

Me: Yes.

God: Can't you imagine someone having a few sexual partners and having repented of this, living a purer life then you now?

Me: Well yes I can. But they have the confidence and assurance by the memory of those relationships.

God: Well I can't stop people from having good fruits from human love outside of relationships. What I can tell you is the consequence of what you are praying for. If you pray for girlfriends, I'll send them. If you pray for a wife, I'll send them. The thing is that your praying for these things and I'm listening more but your life will have different consequences depending how you treat the women your going to be connecting with the next few years.

Me: Well, my career, education, and even car ownership is lagging beside my peers. And those things are necessary in life for relationships and building a household and everything. If I had to do it over again I wouldn't wait for you to tell me anything- I'd just follow my peers and acquire those things regardless. Because it seems these things lead to the sort of lifestyle I want more so then the activities and practices you told me to live.

God: You've noticed people who've fornicated more then you are ending up married. And they are now teaching people to do what they say, not what they have done.

Me: Yeah.

God: You've noticed that women tend to go for other things then what you were told to be.

Me: Well yeah. It's annoying that I didn't push harder to develop myself in a way that woman would like more. Like- singing. Or playing the guitar. Or dancing. That's important to me- succeeding socially with women. Dating. Even having girlfriends.

God: Here we are with the girlfriends thing again.

God: I'm going to whisper in your ear how to connect with women. When your talking with a woman I will tell you what you should say, how to say it. I will lead you in a way that will bring you closer together. I will no longer hold you back from this but instead support you in this.

Me: And?

God: If you decide to have sex before marriage, it's your choice. The people I will allow you to connect with may or may not allow that but that is not what is important.

Me: What is important?

God: What is important is that I'm now allowing it. I gave you free will. You asked me in intense prayer when you were fourteen to keep you pure. I've done my best. That was important to you, and I was like, sure thing. Now your asking me to give you freedom. I'll do that too. The consequences of becoming too close sexually with a woman who would not make a good life partner will be yours. I'll make sure they have some compatibility with you. I'll even give you the wisdom to know from first meeting them what kind of relationship you could have with them- the negatives and positives- if you both decide to pursue it.

Me: Well thanks.

God: I am expecting a little more from you. You made a covenant with me and I'm allowing you to bend it because I love you. I'm letting women into your life. You've told me over and over again you regret not being free during your teens and twenties and you keep praying for the positive experiences you've missed out on. I'm going to keep answering more of your prayers on that.

Me: Awesome.

God: If you end up getting the wrong woman pregnant, you still have to deal with the consequences.

Me: Umm, I'll try to avoid that...

God: You also know that I'm going to make sure you get a defective condom the first time you try having intercourse with a woman outside of marriage.

Me: Well, I'll avoid that, and make sure we get tested before anything.

God: Mmmhmm. Sure you will. You havn't even reached first base yet and here you are thinking about being tested. Maybe you should try to get past the first date first.

Me: Well, maybe. Yeah.

God: I've given you the routes and ways to go further in your life now with relationships. Even if you find someone with moderate compatibility, like them, want them, and have sex with them- the reality is that if you wait you will probably enjoy it more.

Me: I've heard stories of men who waited 'for true love' and ended up with women who didn't. I've also heard of how sucky their sex life is when their wife loses interest in them because of how they are 'good girls' now and not the bad girls that had sex 'before'.

God: Well, that is a risk. I'm confident I can probably connect you with a woman that also waited.

Me: Well, here's the thing. The thing is that I can't rest my satisfaction and enjoyment of this part of life on a entirely unsubstantiated promise especially since so many people didn't wait and ended up fine.

God: Hahaha. You think that is important to me.

Me: Well yes.

God: I will connect you with the partner you need in time. In fact I will send woman into your life right now so that you can rest assured you can have a relationship if needed. I'm not going to keep you out in the cold any longer. And those thoughts about taking a trip overseas and having sexual adventures- hahahaha. Now, I'd prefer it if you were more open to loving women right now where you were instead of thinking of a hedonistic adventure devoid of the possibility of a lasting relationship.

Me: Well, I could marry someone in Costa Rica, or the Czhek republic...

God: Oh please. Like you can get there anytime soon. Look- I'm permitting you to connect with women now. You will have those life experiences. But remember this- when I send you the woman you would consider as a wife, that your occasional sexual habits will really piss her off. And I don't let just anyone get near them. I may allow them to overlook your lack of accomplishments financially but they are not going to overlook you watching pornography. I know you don't believe in waiting anymore because if your age and how I've brought into marriage so many of my people many years before you. I know your frustrated, blah blah, other whiny human emotions that interfere with my plan. I know you won't give it up that easy for nothing. I also know I'm risking things by bringing women into your life before your perfected.

Me: The verse in the bible is 'if you burn, get married' not 'wait until you are perfected and financially very well off, then be married'.

God: Well yes, but I was hoping you could avoid porn and masturbation for a year. I told you, wait a year, I'll bring someone into your life whose awesome and would make a great partner. Don't wait and well- you'll get someone more appropiate to where you are now.

Me: I'd much prefer someone for marriage potential. I've still got my virginity- if I can meet someone all things being equal whose also a virgin- well- that would be great. And if the relationship goes to dating to marriage eventually- then also great.

God: Like I said, knock off the porn or else you'll mess up your relationship with the virgins I will be sending you.

Me: So you want me horny and disatisfied and stressed out?

God: No, I want them to be open to dating you even after they learn that you've watched pornography in the past. Your praying for unsullied virgins here, they tend to be judgmental about such things.

Me: So...

God: The sooner you can figure out how to live without sexual fulfillment, the sooner I can be confident you will succeed in a relationship with a woman that has all of the check boxes you want.

Me: Great! I like that since the last week I've succeeded in flirting with women nearby... women  who want to spend more time with me. Not just as friends.

God: Don't I keep telling you to pray in the evenings as well? Your tithing but not exercising the way you should. And sometimes its like I speak to you but you are off somewhere else.

Me: Well, I do love to read the news...

God: Read my word.

Me: Been there, did that.

God: Do it again. More then just the gospel verse in the mornings.

Me: And what? What then? All of this religious stuff replaced me having an ambition to have a career early on in my life.

God: What else do you expect me to tell you? Not to read the bible more? Haha.

The Heart Attack
I had a heart attack last week. I think it's all the heavy lifting of garbage outdoors over at Blackpool for six hours without a lunch break until the late afternoon. That job is difficult physically.

Maye it's also the stress of being asked to leave where I am and at the time not knowing where I could go. :(

The old chest pains are coming back again. It's there, like a silent pincer in my upper left shoulder all the time it seems now. I hate chest pains.

I was also too fearful to brush my teeth for three nights straight because I was afraid of my housemates and now two of my teeth in the back row feel so painful when I brush it like I'm zapping myself with electricity. I brush twice six minutes a day, floss, but my teeth are only healthy because I maintain them day and night and if I slip up even a little the decay comes back quickly along with tooth pain.

Musings on the Nature of this Journal
It's quite difficult to give a balanced picture of what is going on in my life. For me the strongest emotions are sadness, fear, and pain. They are what drives me to write about them more. Writing my emotions when I am hurt here is cathartic for me.

I treat everyone I meet in real life with respect and dignity, even if they do not deserve it. My inner emotions are turbulent full of fear, depression, passion, desire, fancy, need, longing, and pain. My inner emotions are here not only the bland way I treat people in real life. In real life I am betrayed, rejected, offered jobs by neighbors when then bad-mouth me to the managers so I don't get hired. In real life sometimes I am sad, or sometimes I barely can pull myself through the day. In real life I am betrayed at work suffering a pay cut of three-fourths leading to me eating out of a dumpster for months now and am now applying for food stamps. In real life my best friends from church abandon me or curse me the moment bad things happen to me leading to me dealing with feelings of sadness, depression, and suicide almost always on my own. My inner feelings do not change how I treat people.

Being hurt and feeling the pain of it does not change how I treat other people. That I think is an essence of forgiveness. Realizing that I have been hurt extraordinarily and yet not taking it out on other people.

Happy Memories
I have been struggling with depression, sadness, and isolation for quite a long time. This is primarily economic- related to being poor and unable to go to places where there are people because of the shoddy transportation around here. Also when I am sad people even close 'friends' take the opportunity to dump on me even more. It is quite difficult. Some of the good news is that Short Hair had sent me $100 to purchase a bicycle even though he was studying in europe. He is such a supportive friend. After talking and arguing with my father for ninety minutes for a ride to purchase a bicycle he drove me to the parking lot where I rode several bicycles that the sales person had bought. I loved bicycling in the cool darkness of the early evening as well as feeling what the power of a classic 1980 racing schwinn felt like. It was amazing, like riding a pegasus over concrete.

I purchased a nine year old steel frame bicycle with road tires in good condition for $150. The next day I used it to get to work and cross the accumulative total of twenty lanes of high traffic, highway on-ramp and off-ramp traffic (with no crosswalks) to get there.

However recently I had my birthday.

My birthday started out slow and boring. I hanged out with my parents for awhile who encouraged me to talk with Firebrat, then slowly walked home. It was very unplanned but eventually Tin Soldier and Firebrat show up where I live for my birthday. Tin Soldier brings a gift of a pen, paperclips, and keys to a honda he once owned but doesn't any longer. Firebrat showed up with Mary Kay products including a defoliator, lotion, and evening cream, as well as her home made cookies (yum!) and reeses pieces. We took the cake Hercules had bought for me and went over to my parents. There we hanged out and Firebrat and Tin Soldier played off of each other with escalating humor and energy. They are both intense over the top personalities when they let it out. I appreciated Firebrat showing up for my birthday- she has very little free time. I hopped the fence near my parents to check the temperature of the pool which impressed her. That was a good evening. I recorded us playing with my parents dog and making her snap and bark happily. That was a good evening.

Another day me and Tin Soldier went out. Or I should say WENT OUT. Going out is almost a mystical experience for me as due to my lack of owning a car I spend most of my days in a quite calm, nice, and isolated suburban area with no way to get out. We went to a book club meeting where we sat at a book store with about seven women from their twenties to fifties and talked about a recent romantic/sci-fi book. It was great fun. I had briefed Tin Soldier on a summary of the book before we went there so that he could contribute to the conversation without having read the book. It was nice to be a part of such a warm and friendly group of new people.

My father drove me to nearby mountain biking trails one day. I had spontaneously asked him because I had realized with my new bicycle I could have that experience. It was wonderful. We drove there and I wooshed down the trails happily and rode for about twenty minutes. The dirt trails were quite fun and I felt a deep sense of peace and satisfaction with life. There was something about moving at high velocities through such a lovely natural setting that set my mind at ease.

I had also felt a sort of whisper in my mind.. It was like 'go check out this website for this mall'. And I did and saw job postings there. And I called numbers and finally found someone on the phone. I talked with this manager for twenty minutes. We had a strong rapport as I was improvising my 'over the top joyful personality' which she liked. Now I've applied for a job in the mall there. I've met with the manager there twice and gave her my background check and resume papers last time I met her. We seem to have a strong rapport and she told me that I remind her of her general manager who also has a over the top personality. We have another interview this afternoon.

She likes happy people. This job will be a slight improvisational challenge for me to play a sales role for several hours and it may be quite draining. However the pay and environment appears to be much better then the alternatives that I know of. I know now that keeping work is more then just doing the job, it is also putting on a false mask to please co-workers and customers. It is praying intensely every morning and evening just to hold on to whatever work you can find.

Last saturday I worked a nine hour shift at Blackpool. I had to skip lunch until 2PM and so became very worn out because my job is physically very demanding. However my manager was cool enough to sneak me some food on the side so that I could continue do my job without taking a lunch break at 12. My services are too important for me to take a break since no one else can do my job there. I am glad that he did that for me. A co-worker was promoted to supervisor that day and I was happy for her. Also I've been making more eye contact and smiling with Ms. Quiet there. She's my supervisor but I do wonder sometimes if I should leave the department sometimes in order to ask her out on a date haha.

That evening was an evening that I had an interview with that manager at that mall. I showered, shaved, filled out the papers and showed up with a cheerful over the top personality even though it felt like my feet were on fire. The manager liked me and asked me to return this monday at five pm for the next interview. Then I got a ride to church where I volunteered on the video production team and walked towards home afterwards. Someone I had asked for a ride had left without me but someone else was kind enough to pick me up on the road so that I would not have to walk home in the darkness and rain wearing a black raincoat. It saved me an hour of cold walking which I was very happy for.

Also Hercules has asked me to leave citing he 'doesn't feel enough emotion in our friendship anymore'. He said that student housing might be cheaper. I now have about a month to find a new place. I asked all the students I knew if they knew of anything, as it turns out they are all moving out the same time I am and the places are too expensive for me to rent on my own. Hercules doesn't care- he wants me out.

It seems the more people fuck me over, the more they want to fuck me over even more. It's a increasing cycle of hatred against me.

My best hope is Gamemaster. Gamemaster said he would have a room for rent soon and when he let me know about it a few weeks ago I called dibs on it. When i called about it it appears I am now 2nd on the list ( :(! ) and he will let me know today if I can have the room. I hope I get it- Gamemaster would make an awesome person to share a dwelling with and the rent + utilities is more affordable then here in the winter. The place is dumpier though :( I can't have everything haha.

I have also asked Haberdasher who doesn't clean our shared bathroom or purchase toilet paper to purchase toilet paper. He got angry at me, swore he would hunt me down if I didn't pay off the money I owed to Hercules. He also told me I was full of crap. But he did purchase the cheapest toilet paper he could find and angrily threw it in the bathroom when he returned home.


Keep going to Meetups and other social events including christian gatherings with Tin Soldier!!!!!!!!!!!!
Find next place to live- it must be affordable with no move-in costs
Continue working two days a week at Blackpool
Acquire Drivers Permit
Apply for 2nd Job outside of Blackpool
Secure Transportation to 2nd Job
Acquire Funds for Car through working or loan from credit union if I work 35+ hours a week
With car drive to work and apply for school
Also drive to christian meetings/prayer meetings around city once I have car. I must overcome my social isolation!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If unable to find 2nd job then work full time at Blackpool this summer while continuing to look for work

Hercules my landlord came into my room late yesterday and announced that our 'relationship' wasn't working and that he felt it wasn't emotional and satisfying enough for him. He admits that its more peaceful when guys just are guys and aren't trying to be all emotional with each other but he apparently has been feeling emotionally deprived for too long. I've been feeling sad, depressed, and even suicidal but of course my feelings mean shit to him and his new best friend Haberdasher.

He stated he wanted me gone by June 1st and that 'God will take care of me'. It's quite interesting- for a self righteous christian whose against abortion, he's had a part to play in aborting me from my job, from one of my church home groups, and now from the very place I live. I have two people to call that I know might have a place to live. I made those calls this morning.

It seems I have been doing all of the forgiving the past few months, and all of the suffering.

Hercules has suffered nothing, and has forgiven nothing.

Friend Helps Buy Me A Bike
A friend "Short Hair" gifted me $100 with which I used to help purchase a $150 bicycle.

In order to get to where the bicycle seller was I argued with my dad for about a hour and a half (he really doesn't like giving me rides) to get there.

I now have a bicycle with which I can easily expand my range of movement. Unfortunately most of the jobs I'm looking at lay across sixteen lanes of high speed highway on-ramp off-ramp traffic without a bicycle lane or even a crosswalk. I've crossed it several times before and I'll cross it again to do what I can. If that's what it takes to keep a minimum wage job that's what I have to do now.

This friend "Short Hair" who gave me $100 is also a leftist bisexual dude with a fondness for psychedelics, who just spontaneously decided to offer it one day. He's also a balls to the wall sort of "conquer my job, and conquer college" mentality that helps him overcome his anxiety. And he came through on sending the money to me.

This is far different from another one of my christian 'friends' (Hercules) who one day declared he would help pay for the fixing up of my old broken down bicycle and never did. Oh yes, and Mom came by, washed her clothing and dad's clothing, cleaned the kitchen, and snooped through my cellphone and computer today and found the history I didn't bother to erase showing the pornography I had been viewing a few days ago. She got all mean and pulled dad's strings for him to call me up and try to encourage me not to watch pornography tonight.

Pornography is mundane to me. It's only interesting when I become aroused which is once every five or so days now. I never can find anything interesting. The couples and situations and relationships that are portrayed are intensely boring. I never thought that sex could look this sweaty, banal, and uninteresting but it is. Scenes of a guy smashing his groin into the groin of his girlfriend several times then moving her body around so he could thrust in other ways is so boring. I much prefer reading a well written piece of bodice-ripping smut with the situations and personalities of characters in it that more closely match my own.

I basically ripped my father a new one. I told him that they chose to keep me back from going to college, and that since I supported them the last five years instead of buying a car, that now regardless of whatever I do no christian woman I know would date me as a boyfriend- the lack of a college education and a car and a career is not overlooked by women no matter how overwhelmingly awesome and over the top christian dude you are. I've given up on chastity as it's quite obvious that it's college education and a career that leads to marriage- and not being an over-controlled abstainer which is what I've done from anywhere from four months to four years in my life.

Fuck 'em. Every dude at church who screwed around but yet managed to pull through college and start their career is shoulder and heads above me and probably more likely to bang their wife each night then I am to be married in I don't know how long. I'm thirty, and sure as hell not going to wait for a marriage that might never happen. I know most people didn't wait either and are happier for it.

I gave away ten percent of my last paycheck to someone having financial problems since their dad went to drug rehab. They are in ministry school and occasionally go out and help poor people once in a blue moon. They have a job and a car and friends who love them unlike me. And yet I felt led to give away my tithe to them.

I anonymously dropped it off at their house using the fast bicycle that my friend had helped me buy. I felt better after dropping it off. However coming back home and staring at open-ended website project deadlines with clients who had a fairly loose grasp of the concept of 'paying me for the hours i've worked regularly' caused me to stumble into a depression of isolation.

I've got a application for a local fast food place across those sixteen lanes of highway traffic. I would work the evening shift even though I might die coming home from work at night. It's what I can do ever since my christian brothers backstabbed the safe, high paying job I had seven months ago. Oh SURE I forgive them. Now I have to risk my life and scrabble to get by WITHOUT A MOTHERFREAKIN' CAR!!! I'm filling out the application now.


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