- April 30th, 2010
I think too much about my sexuality. Whenever I read sex advice columns online it's only a matter of time before I give into watching recordings of strangers having sex and giving myself an orgasm. It happened this week, and last week. When I was younger I would put so much effort and anxiety into self control. Effort I should have been putting into other areas of my life like studying, getting a car, going to college.
Now I just don't care. I love the sensation of happiness and security and stability that comes with sexual fulfillment. I feel invulnerable, confident, safe. Admittedly I derive very little satisfaction from watching other people have sex. It's not as erotic I thought it would be before I started seeing more of it. However I'm progressing more. When I see the difference between loving and passion and foreplay with the kinks I've accumulated in my dented virginity I realize that the kinks should be thrown out as it is quite obviously not as enjoyable as giving vanilla touch and attention to someone you love and receiving back in return.
This is a conversation I had with God recently:
Me: God, you know I'm like, 31. I'd love a marriage that's whole and complete. I'd like to wait for my wife if she's waiting for me, but if not I'd like to have experiences with girlfriends. Amazing ones. Different ones.
God: Well, you know that whole thing about watching pornography and masturbating. I don't like it. I know you don't care about that but think of this- the kind of woman you are praying to meet would be repelled by that sort of behavior.
Me: Well, I would love to have the sexual fulfillment thanks to the sex drive you've given me.
Me: And I'm 31. And I've met people even younger then me who can't wait.
God: Well, I did have a hand in many people meeting at that age.
Me: And I didn't meet anyone, and I didn't go anywhere in life that I should have looking back.
God: I want you to know that if I send the woman into your life right now that you would be open to loving as a girlfriend now and a wife later, that if you keep engaging in pornography and masturbation she's going to be pissed off by it and the relationship could fail.
Me: Well I would prefer to meet someone who has also waited like me...
God: Are you sure you wouldn't much more prefer someone who was sexually adventurish? You could have a lot of fun with a woman who was comfortable with her own sexuality even if she did compare you with her other lovers.
Me: I mean, if I have a girlfriend and it leads towards sex.. there doesn't seem to be much reason for me to wait for sex anymore.
God: I'm sure you believe in what your saying. Of course I have my own reasons for everything. And you might notice that I'm going to only allow you to connect with overweight women that might not be up to being a activity partner with you- not to mention sex.
Me: Well, if sex happens...
God: I may love you, but I know how judgmental you are about other peoples weight. How about this: I'll allow you now to know how to make women comfortable around you in a way that will lead you towards dating. I'll inspire you how to flirt. And if things happen, they happen.
Me: Well, I'd so much rather meet someone more athletic and outgoing so we could go mountain biking and dancing.
God: And have sex.
Me: Well yeah.
God: Now you can see why I'm not interested in allowing you to connect romantically with anyone like that.
Me: I'll just have to exercise and build myself up so I can potentially have a relationship with more athletic women.
God: You do that. Haha.
God: Are you sure marrying someone who has had more sexual partners would be that huge of a stumbling block for you? You've read smut since 16, role played erotic material since 23, and have seen pornography rarely since 25. Admittedly you took several years off from time to time but the reality is that you've committed fornication with your mind. I'm really not sure how much you would mess up one of my girls if I sent them to you. How about a nice sexy gal, totally your type, slightly overweight like you, and has had some sexual experiences albeit with other people.
Me: Well, I can't imagine marrying anyone who has had significantly more sex partners then me. Maybe dating them but.... marrying someone who had had more partners then me sounds like it could be frustrating and ultimately a regret.
God: You mean even 1 to your 0?
God: Can't you imagine someone having a few sexual partners and having repented of this, living a purer life then you now?
Me: Well yes I can. But they have the confidence and assurance by the memory of those relationships.
God: Well I can't stop people from having good fruits from human love outside of relationships. What I can tell you is the consequence of what you are praying for. If you pray for girlfriends, I'll send them. If you pray for a wife, I'll send them. The thing is that your praying for these things and I'm listening more but your life will have different consequences depending how you treat the women your going to be connecting with the next few years.
Me: Well, my career, education, and even car ownership is lagging beside my peers. And those things are necessary in life for relationships and building a household and everything. If I had to do it over again I wouldn't wait for you to tell me anything- I'd just follow my peers and acquire those things regardless. Because it seems these things lead to the sort of lifestyle I want more so then the activities and practices you told me to live.
God: You've noticed people who've fornicated more then you are ending up married. And they are now teaching people to do what they say, not what they have done.
God: You've noticed that women tend to go for other things then what you were told to be.
Me: Well yeah. It's annoying that I didn't push harder to develop myself in a way that woman would like more. Like- singing. Or playing the guitar. Or dancing. That's important to me- succeeding socially with women. Dating. Even having girlfriends.
God: Here we are with the girlfriends thing again.
God: I'm going to whisper in your ear how to connect with women. When your talking with a woman I will tell you what you should say, how to say it. I will lead you in a way that will bring you closer together. I will no longer hold you back from this but instead support you in this.
God: If you decide to have sex before marriage, it's your choice. The people I will allow you to connect with may or may not allow that but that is not what is important.
Me: What is important?
God: What is important is that I'm now allowing it. I gave you free will. You asked me in intense prayer when you were fourteen to keep you pure. I've done my best. That was important to you, and I was like, sure thing. Now your asking me to give you freedom. I'll do that too. The consequences of becoming too close sexually with a woman who would not make a good life partner will be yours. I'll make sure they have some compatibility with you. I'll even give you the wisdom to know from first meeting them what kind of relationship you could have with them- the negatives and positives- if you both decide to pursue it.
Me: Well thanks.
God: I am expecting a little more from you. You made a covenant with me and I'm allowing you to bend it because I love you. I'm letting women into your life. You've told me over and over again you regret not being free during your teens and twenties and you keep praying for the positive experiences you've missed out on. I'm going to keep answering more of your prayers on that.
God: If you end up getting the wrong woman pregnant, you still have to deal with the consequences.
Me: Umm, I'll try to avoid that...
God: You also know that I'm going to make sure you get a defective condom the first time you try having intercourse with a woman outside of marriage.
Me: Well, I'll avoid that, and make sure we get tested before anything.
God: Mmmhmm. Sure you will. You havn't even reached first base yet and here you are thinking about being tested. Maybe you should try to get past the first date first.
Me: Well, maybe. Yeah.
God: I've given you the routes and ways to go further in your life now with relationships. Even if you find someone with moderate compatibility, like them, want them, and have sex with them- the reality is that if you wait you will probably enjoy it more.
Me: I've heard stories of men who waited 'for true love' and ended up with women who didn't. I've also heard of how sucky their sex life is when their wife loses interest in them because of how they are 'good girls' now and not the bad girls that had sex 'before'.
God: Well, that is a risk. I'm confident I can probably connect you with a woman that also waited.
Me: Well, here's the thing. The thing is that I can't rest my satisfaction and enjoyment of this part of life on a entirely unsubstantiated promise especially since so many people didn't wait and ended up fine.
God: Hahaha. You think that is important to me.
Me: Well yes.
God: I will connect you with the partner you need in time. In fact I will send woman into your life right now so that you can rest assured you can have a relationship if needed. I'm not going to keep you out in the cold any longer. And those thoughts about taking a trip overseas and having sexual adventures- hahahaha. Now, I'd prefer it if you were more open to loving women right now where you were instead of thinking of a hedonistic adventure devoid of the possibility of a lasting relationship.
Me: Well, I could marry someone in Costa Rica, or the Czhek republic...
God: Oh please. Like you can get there anytime soon. Look- I'm permitting you to connect with women now. You will have those life experiences. But remember this- when I send you the woman you would consider as a wife, that your occasional sexual habits will really piss her off. And I don't let just anyone get near them. I may allow them to overlook your lack of accomplishments financially but they are not going to overlook you watching pornography. I know you don't believe in waiting anymore because if your age and how I've brought into marriage so many of my people many years before you. I know your frustrated, blah blah, other whiny human emotions that interfere with my plan. I know you won't give it up that easy for nothing. I also know I'm risking things by bringing women into your life before your perfected.
Me: The verse in the bible is 'if you burn, get married' not 'wait until you are perfected and financially very well off, then be married'.
God: Well yes, but I was hoping you could avoid porn and masturbation for a year. I told you, wait a year, I'll bring someone into your life whose awesome and would make a great partner. Don't wait and well- you'll get someone more appropiate to where you are now.
Me: I'd much prefer someone for marriage potential. I've still got my virginity- if I can meet someone all things being equal whose also a virgin- well- that would be great. And if the relationship goes to dating to marriage eventually- then also great.
God: Like I said, knock off the porn or else you'll mess up your relationship with the virgins I will be sending you.
Me: So you want me horny and disatisfied and stressed out?
God: No, I want them to be open to dating you even after they learn that you've watched pornography in the past. Your praying for unsullied virgins here, they tend to be judgmental about such things.
God: The sooner you can figure out how to live without sexual fulfillment, the sooner I can be confident you will succeed in a relationship with a woman that has all of the check boxes you want.
Me: Great! I like that since the last week I've succeeded in flirting with women nearby... women who want to spend more time with me. Not just as friends.
God: Don't I keep telling you to pray in the evenings as well? Your tithing but not exercising the way you should. And sometimes its like I speak to you but you are off somewhere else.
Me: Well, I do love to read the news...
God: Read my word.
Me: Been there, did that.
God: Do it again. More then just the gospel verse in the mornings.
Me: And what? What then? All of this religious stuff replaced me having an ambition to have a career early on in my life.
God: What else do you expect me to tell you? Not to read the bible more? Haha.